The premise of Zolar (The Extreme Sports Movie) is that a group of wannabe extreme sport athletes - teen extreme sport athletes - get lucky and land themselves a coach.  A coach that just happens to be the surrogate father of a blue, skateboarding alien named Zolar.  At first, the group labels Zolar as a freak and doesn’t want anything to do with him, but soon they learn to accept him as part of their team.  Of course, Zolar turns out to be the one of the most powerful beings in the universe, pursued by an intergalactic bad guy who wants to capture Zolar’s power, and the kids must defend Zolar using their newly found sports skills and the most extreme weapon of all: teen attitude. 

We didn’t know quite what to expect going in to Zolar. Our first thought was that it seemed like a more modern, direct to video rip-off of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, and, to put it bluntly, the movie didn’t really do much to change that opinion. Our group of protagonists - we’ll call them the ExtreemTeens - represent the full diversity of American youth. The Scooby Doo formula is employed: there’s the clean-cut leader, a slightly wacky female sidekick (sporting hot pink hair and mascara vivid enough to draw your attention to her eyes were she standing on the side of a pitch-black road outside Tijuana, Mexico), a scruffier nerd type, the leader’s outgoing and vivacious younger sister, and some other kid who leaves the team in the early parts of the movie, yet inexplicably returns at the end to provide material for a sequel. Finally, a few minutes into the movie we get Shaggy and Scooby, in this case Zolar’s “dad” and Zolar himself.

Zolar doesn’t have any family and, understandably, is shunned by society for being a blue, rubbery alien. “Surely,” the producers of this movie must have been thinking, “surely, his social awkwardness will appeal to teens everywhere - but if not, they will be mesmerized by the extreme sports.”

In another homage, or outright ripoff, depending on your perspective, Zolar’s parents were killed when he was just a boy, but he was brought to Earth, where he later in life learned of his tremendous power and importance on the galactic stage. That’s right - Zolar is Superman. We can see the sequel now: “Come, Son of Zol-Ar! Kneel before Zod!”
Ahem.

Anyway, this provides the basis of the later plot of the movie, where Zolar is tricked by bad guys who disguise themselves as Zolar’s long-lost parents. We won’t really go much more into the plot, mainly because there’s not much to go into.  We learn that Zolar isn’t the only alien in them movie.  In fact almost all professional extreme sports athletes are aliens and what we refer to as “Extreme Sports” is really just alien rituals.  We learn this fantastic revelation from Mike Metzger, who despite being a professional Freestyle Motocross rider is not a professional actor.  Yet he is inexplicable give all of the movies plot exposition.  In one short scene we learn about Zolars parents, Zolars power and the evil being hunting Zolar.  Did we mention Zolar is blue? Because the movie mentions it. Over and over and over again. Oh, the puns. So many, many puns.

With a family oriented plot this bad we expected the worst.  But the special effects and makeup were really not half bad - the makeup and prosthetics in particular were extremely good for a straight-to-DVD movie with this one’s apparent budget. We mock Zolar, but if you had young kids (we don’t), you could certainly do worse for entertainment for them. Our intrepid FlixFlops crew even watched the DVD’s “making of Zolar” feature, of which, again, the makeup and alien effects were the most impressive part. Could we have gotten through this movie without Dale’s Pale Ale? Probably, but it would have been painful. But if you’ve got kids, you’ve probably been exposed to much worse schlock than Zolar: the Extreme Sports Movie. Our rating: <something> on the blue meter.

Current Netflix rating: 2.4

Rating: NR

Released: 2008

After a prolonged stay in a mental hospital, Laura Wiggington (Suzi Lorraine) follows her husband, Ray (Tom Stedham), to a remote cottage by the river for an intensive recovery session. But a sinister clown named Dissecto (Lucien Eisenach) has other plans. Dissecto wants nothing more than to perform unimaginable “tricks” for his captive audience. But is his terrifying presence an actual threat … or merely a figment of Laura’s addled mind?

Add Torment to your queue.

A sinister clown named Dissecto. What an apropo name, was “Stabby the clown” taken?

Current Netflix rating: 1.7

Rating: NR

Released: 2005

Netflix description: “A group of friends sees their vacation to Hawaii take a turn for the terrifying when they discover a strange orb floating above a meteor impact site. The orb turns out to be a mysterious intelligence that can enter the bodies of its unwitting victims, turning friend against friend in a frenzy of violence and mayhem. The otherworldly menace must be stopped, but who can you trust when your buddies may be possessed?”

Add The Orb to your queue.

Current Netflix rating: 1.8

Rating: NR

Released: 2004

Netflix description “Extreme athlete Jordan Hoffart shows off his prowess in this full-length movie featuring the blue-hued alien Zolar — son of Sylvester “Skip” Crovo — whom wanna-be skateboarding superstars recruit to teach them how to ride a board like the pros. When they meet Zolar, their newest team member, the kids have to get over their initial prejudice and learn how to hang with someone physically unlike them but just as dedicated to the sport as they are.”

Add Zolar: The Extreme Sports Movie to you queue.

Wow this one just looks too good.  A movie about a skateboarding blue alien who teaches kids not to be prejudice to people different from them.  That just warms your heart and makes you feel good.  If anyone can find a video clip of this one please post it in the comments.

“Punk not dead… it’s just lost it’s head.”

Current NetFlix rating: 2.6

Rating: NR

Released: 2008

NetFlix Description: “Picking up a year after a homicidal madman turned the Vans Warped Tour into a massacre, this intense sequel finds the decapitated Executioner (Doug Sakmann) looking for his missing noggin. While tour production manager Kevin Lyman (playing himself) faces off with a record label bigwig (Lloyd Kaufman), the Executioner continues the bloodshed, and a nubile newshound (Meghan Sanders) sets out to expose the truth about the demonic killings.”

Add Punk Rock Holocaust 2 to your queue.

You gotta love a movie that has Lloyd Kaufman killing the likes of The Aquabats, Bouncing Souls and My Chemical Romance. Especially My Chemical Romance. With all these bands, I wonder if this could be classified as a musical? Try as I might I was not able to find the first Punk Rock Holocaust, it’s probably unappreciated for it’s time.

Do you have a flick that absolutely deserves to shine on FlixFlops.com, then send it us.